First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Never ghost your hitman.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.