Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.