Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Godspeed, John Glenn
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir