i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
You Might Also Like
Happy Halloween 🎃
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.