“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Story of my life…..
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier