Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s