Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
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doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.