CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Simple enough.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
house sitting!
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
wish me luck lads
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.