I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.