Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Feel. He’s so soft.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?