person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered