sugar glider wrangler
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How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…