i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Monday
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.