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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”