Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Twitter fine art
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.