DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
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The first one, obviously
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
yeet
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.