Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
That’s incredible! 👌
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.