if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
You Might Also Like
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off