Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Friday night party time 🥳
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.