Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Nomnomnomnom
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Danger is very dangerous
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!