Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles