When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Dishonest mechanic?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician