Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
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[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*