Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You Might Also Like
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Self-cleaning conscience
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass