When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?