Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness