A French press is when you hug naked
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Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.