Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
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I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family