Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
They did not miss in the small print
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.