Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I found your tweet-up…
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.