Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Good Morning.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍