“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999