This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that