Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Yep.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor