I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*