I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
This probably isn’t good
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
at ease…shoulder.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages