on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.