My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
There’s always that one guy
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.