Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Every time my phone rings
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine