Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never