I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly