DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
When I laugh on my period
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.