Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
*checks Timeline*…
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode