[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.