Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
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3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Happy Star Wars day!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK