Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.