Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
March 16
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym