I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
You Might Also Like
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids