I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
You Might Also Like
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Simple
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Who chose this font
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.