Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.